Where Is the Spark?
Most relationships go through phases. But that doesn't mean that, after the initial honeymoon phase where we're riding that biochemical high of love, relationships are supposed to become boring or passionless. Yes, in the early stages of love, it's almost impossible to focus on anything else. People can get so caught up in their relationships that they forget what it's like not to feel excited and happy. But sometimes life throws us a bump and what happened in the early stages of love stay in that stage and doesn’t progress. Again, it doesn’t have to be like that. Even if you and your partner are each other's perfect fit, and you find that the passion wanes over time, that you discover that you are no longer excited or passionate about your relationship, it doesn’t mean it has to end. Take a step back and ask yourself why does that happen? And is there anything you can do to reignite the spark between you and your partner? What prompts the shift from helpless love to deep disinterest? What turns your heart-racing enthusiasm for the person to boredom and dissatisfaction?
If your relationship has lost its spark, that's something to take an honest look at and see if something needs to shift. Yes, sometimes the universe throws us such unexpected curve balls that our lives are thrown into an uncertain chaotic mess. But even when that happens, always remember that that is life. It isn’t going to be a flat pretty happy line on the axis all the time. It is the ups and downs that make life so interesting and pushes us through. Same goes for relationships, there are bound to be ups and downs, almost like a rollercoaster ride, sometimes we feel the passion in the relationship, and sometimes we totally do not feel it. Relationships lose spark or rather passion because of certain things that are being done and undone in the relationship itself.
According to science, our bodies secrete dopamine when we first meet someone, we feel high, then our brains can’t sustain that level of stimulation, so we level out to oxytocin, and eventually lose our passion for each other, substituting it for compassion and comfort. That’s it. File closed. Proven by science. Okay, it’s not like science can’t be true sometimes but science, especially when it comes to studying human behaviour and psychology, is like a magnifying glass. It can only show us what’s currently there, not what could be. Hence, in this instance, we would rather base our theories on actual personal interactions and connections between each other.
How do we know, that the loss of passion is inevitable, rather than an unfortunate current circumstance? If the loss of passion is an inevitable outcome of being in a relationship, what about the outliers? What about the people who do manage to sustain passionate and compassionate partnerships? Are they brain damaged? Or maybe they’ve got something figured out that the rest of us don’t. Should we really discard the few who manage to have what we all secretly want as freaks instead of learning from them?
Passion is when we reach out for what we’re deeply yearning. Passion is when we stretch ourselves out of our shells and burst in every direction, allowing the light within us to radiate, to reflect off everything around us, and to return to us radiating even brighter. But first, we need to understand why our relationships lost the passion. Most relationships lose passion because we lose our courage. We lose our vulnerability. No matter how compatible we are and no matter how much we try not to, we hurt each other. Once our innocence are broken, we put up layers of armour, we build our internal wall between ourselves and our partner. We trust less, we show a little less of ourselves. And if these aren’t confronted and solved, over time, there is going to be a whole empty trench between the two of you, suffering chronic feelings of emptiness and frustration. Without trust, there’s no vulnerability. And, without vulnerability, there’s no courage, no passion. For instance, when we first fall in love, it feels so good, because we trust blindly and we allow ourselves to be fully open. When we first go for our dreams, it feels so good. We trust and we hope. Then, we fail and we get hurt. Of course, we do what everyone else is doing, we do what’s logical, and we close off. We try to stay safe. We avoid pain. And thus, we avoid any chances we have at pleasure as well. There isn’t a need to live like this. We don’t have to lose passion for each other or for our lives.
Sometimes a relationship loses passion because we are not sharing our whole self. True intimacy is all about letting someone infiltrate us emotionally, and us infiltrating them right back. If we hold things back from our partner and spare them our deepest truth by telling white lies or outright lies, even with the best intentions that dishonesty mars the connection. Radical honesty is bold. Ever notice how after a deep, raw, honest conversation with your partner, you can't keep your hands off each other? Let your partner see you. All of you. Tell the truth, even if it scares you.
Sex is important. Sexual energy is an immense power source that you can tap into to boost your physical, emotional, and spiritual vitality as a couple. If one or both partners isn't happy with their shared sex life, whether it's not enough sex, too much pressure, or just not the type of sex that you each really want your connection will likely suffer. Having a mutually satisfying sexual life together, whatever that means to each of you, is important to creating warmth, spark, and aliveness in the relationship. Think of the bedroom as the sanctuary to reconnect and rejuvenate. Commit to working on your sex life the way you do any other area of your growth, such as nutrition, health, or fitness. If sex isn't something you two tend to do spontaneously, schedule it in. Yes, sometimes doing it by the calendar does help. If the sex you're having isn't great for one or both people, see how you can explore what turns you on as individuals and how to strengthen your sexual connection with each other.
Me time is crucial. Some space in the relationship is healthy. Afterall, we are all individuals in our very own right. By space, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a three month time apart or even a month apart, it can easily be just a couple of hours away from each other, doing our own thing that drive and fulfil us as an individual. If we aren't being true to ourselves, we are less attractive to our partner. It can be easy to sacrifice our deeper needs for the sake of our relationship, but our soul food and the things that make our heart sing bring us deep fulfilment. When we are revitalised, we bring that juiciness back into our relationship. It's the careful balance of closeness and distance that creates erotic tension. Most people tend to think or feel that after a couple of years, sex and passion tend to decrease, even diminished for some. They tend to wander into a space where they become comfortable with just the companionship of the partner, too complacent if you must. With that, come less effort, less priorities for the relationship. Truth is, it doesn’t have to be like that. Yes, the honeymoon period is fantastic. But after that, it doesn’t necessarily have to stop. In the first few years, we put our new relationship at the top of our priority list. We nurture it. We make time for it. Once that feels secured, we pay less attention. We drift. But we can maintain that passion and intensity simply by deciding to do it. Afterall, a relationship is all about effort from both parties. This misconception that after a few months or a few years, there's a romantic drop-off where we stop being sexually or romantically interested in each other is terribly misconstrued. It will only fade if both initially belief that passion will fade away after a while. Like said, the truth is, typically the only thing that changes after a few years is the amount of effort being put into the relationship.
While we are at it, never stop to amaze each other and never stop growing. If both are constantly growing and learning, we each are different people all the time. There will be no stagnation. As we both grow and unfold, learning new things about ourselves, we're getting to know our partner on new levels too. This keeps us endlessly fascinated with the ever-evolving person in front of us.
Relationships are generally pretty wonderful, it's nice to have a partner to do things with, it's great to feel supported all the time, and it's exhilarating to think we might have found the person we'll spend forever with. But hitting a bump in the road in no way indicates the relationship is over. The fire fades because over time, the relationship falls into patterns. The thing is, those patterns can start to feel really monotonous if we're doing the exact same thing every single day with no variation. We start getting bored and we start losing the spark. Break that cycle by getting out of our comfort zone once in a while. The most common reason relationships fail is because both stop making an effort. Even the most committed, loving long-term couples can lose their spark every once in a while. That said, if we aren't sure where we're headed as a couple, that ambiguity can cause more frequent slumps. Part of what can make long-term relationships so appealing to some people is the level of comfort and intimacy we get to experience with another human. Sometimes, though, it's that exact comfort that causes the spark to fade. If we get too comfortable, it's natural to feel unappreciated. If we let yourself slip, the relationship will probably go the same way. Happiness comes with the small gestures as much as the big ones.
The speed at which some people go into relationships can also cause the spark to fade quicker than it otherwise would. When a new relationship is good, we tend to move very quickly through the early stages of dating. Yes, it's all good when it's exciting, but what about when we've already hit every single milestone immediately? It is important to pace ourselves to make sure the relationship develops steadily and grows to last. It's normal for the spark to fade a little over time. The important thing is to continue to fan the flames of our relationship so that we keep it strong for the long haul. Relying on someone to take care of us or looking to them to complete us puts a heavy burden on our relationship. We start to see the person as an extension of ourselves, and within that framework, we lose some of that “chemistry” that drew us to them. When we view our partners as the independent and attractive individuals they are, we can keep a fresh level of excitement and affection for them. When we first fall in love, we are attracted and drawn to each other’s unique attributes. This individuality is viewed with interest and respect, and these qualities are what we should aim to maintain even decades after being with someone romantically.
When we get too comfortable in a relationship, we may start to let go physically and mentally. We tend to care a little less about how we look and how we take care of ourselves. We may be more likely to act out without regard or consideration for the ways we not only hurt our partners but ourselves. We may gain weight or engage in unhealthy habits, drinking more or exercising less. These habits aren’t just acts of comfort. They are often ways of protecting ourselves from sustained closeness. They often serve to shatter our self-esteem and push our partners away. They also tend to have a deadening effect on our relationship, weakening our confidence and vitality. Consistently doing things that our partner perceives as loving will also help keep the spark alive. It’s important to be open and share our lives with those we love. In doing so, we really get to know them. We feel for them as people, independently from ourselves. This helps us to stay close to each other on a real level as opposed to out of obligation. It helps us to form and strengthen a friendship that allows us to be less critical when giving feedback and less defensive when receiving it. All of these efforts nourish our loving feelings, overthrowing cynicism and upholding our attractions.
Honest communication can be tough, but it helps us to truly know our partner, rather than seeing them through a negative or critical lens. When we get into the habit of swallowing our feelings and turning against our partner rather than stating how we feel, we are skating on thin ice. Even when we start to feel close, we will often be quick to become critical the minute our partner does something that rubs us the wrong way. When we feel free to directly say the things that annoy or anger us, we are better able to let them go. The more we develop our ability to do this, the more emotionally close we feel to our partners. The advantage of voicing our thoughts is that we stop viewing our partner through a fog of cynicism. When we fail to do this, our emotional connection to a person can fade. Reigniting our relationships can be as simple as carrying out those small, caring acts that make our partners feel acknowledged and loved for who they are. Passion is value. Passion is an act of courage. Passion is an act of vulnerability. Passion is a need. It is a way of life. Without passion, life merely has no meaning, so does relationship. We don’t have to live like this. The only way out of this, in our life and in our relationship is to unlock that room within which we’ve hoarded the most innocent, beautiful, sacred parts of us, so that we won’t risk having them hurt, and let them out, free and vulnerable. It is scary but it is also the only way.
