The LDR : Across The Ocean
Relationship isn’t easy. Relationship with the one being close by can be hard at times too, what more relationship with the other person being far away spanning across the ocean. Nobody wants a long distance relationship if they can help it. It is difficult and it can affect the mental and emotional health of those involved. Imagine after the endless search, you finally found someone worth holding onto and you are really happy together but through certain circumstances, are forced to be separated from the one you love by miles and miles of distance. It is horrifying. Long distance relationships are tough. You meet, you fall in love, and you decide to give a relationship a go in the hopes of building a future together at some point in the future. But then new career opportunities, pandemic, or family obligations arise, and, all of a sudden, you're looking at the possibility of spending the next few months, or even years apart. And with the current coronavirus pandemic and lockdowns, travel bans and restrictions, things are getting harder especially for couples that are separated and forced unwillingly against their will into long distance relationship. When this happens, a lot of uncertainties can arise. No matter how much you love each other, there’s probably a part of you that wonders how or if your relationship will survive the long distance between you. The distance isn’t the sole problem, there are others like time difference, loneliness, priorities, and things just start cropping up.
A long distance relationship or long distance romantic relationship is an intimate relationship between partners who are geographically separated from one another. Partners in long distance relationships face geographic separation and lack of face-to-face contact. Yes, long distance relationships are difficult.
Can long distance relationships actually work? If you're in one now or have ever wondered if physical distance is a surefire relationship-killer, you're definitely not alone. Keeping the bond is a struggle for both. With long distance relationships, communication and support are extra key since you can't be there for each other in real life all the time. It helps to know that long distance relationships aren't necessarily doomed to fail. They might be tough, but they're totally doable. Despite the challenges, successful long distance relationships happen every day. If there's a strong emotional bond, effort, and dedication to helping each partner feel safe, connected, and independent, long distance relationships are realistic.
Especially with today’s technology, long distance relationships as much as they are challenging are made easier. Can you imagine before the existence of video chats and long distance phone calls, there were only snail mails? Written correspondence is how, historically, lovers have exchanged information in the past. Today though, modern technology can help build stronger bonds within the partnership, or break them if not navigated properly.
The internet, email, instant messaging, and video chatting, once widely adopted, made it feasible and affordable for couples to share even the most trivial details of their lives in real time, as often as they wanted. But thanks to the omnipresence of mobile devices, capacious data plans, and reliably speedy internet service, it’s possible that technological advancements in the past decade have fundamentally altered these unfortunate patterns for the better. Many long distance couples today are able to stay in constant touch wherever they are, and the communication technologies available to them allow them to share even the most mundane details, the sorts of things there was less room for in letters, long distance phone calls, and previous incarnations of the internet.
With the right tools and the right mindset, a long distance relationship could end up being a forever relationship if you and your partner work to nurture it, that is.
So can long distance relationships really work? Absolutely. It's just all about the effort and time you put into them, as is the case with any relationship, but with a whole boatload more of communication and creativity. As with anything in life that you'd like to see come to fruition, you need to believe in your relationship. You can't half-ass it and assume it's not going to work out as that is a defeatist attitude and will get you nowhere.
For a long distance relationship to work, there needs to be communication. Yes, just like any other relationship, communication is important. Communicate, it doesn’t matter how much or how little, just as long as you both feel connected. We are living at a time when we have unprecedented round-the-clock access to one another. Devoting extensive free time to catching up can be a tremendous gif so long as you’re both on the same page about it. Communication must be both consistent and equally initiated. It can’t be that both parties don’t talk enough or that only one person is leaning in. Otherwise, less communication leads to high anxiety, even uncertainty.Some couples want to feel connected every hour. Some find it tedious to talk every day. Discuss with each other what works for the general frequency and length of time you will spend texting, talking, or video chatting in a day or week. Always be open to modifying your communication tendencies as life creates new and unexpected demands. Talk to each other when you want to, not because you have to. Communication is obviously important in any relationship, but simply more communication is not always what’s best for the couple in a long distance relationship, especially when it’s in a forced context. This is because when you force communication, two things can happen, the first is that when you inevitably hit days that you don’t have much to talk about or don’t feel like talking, you’ll half-ass your relationship and spend time with your partner not because you want to but because you feel obligated. This uninspired, filler-filled kind of communication often creates more problems than it solves. The second problem that can come from forcing communication is that one or both people can begin to resent feeling obligated to connect. This resentment can spark unnecessary fights. The best way to avoid this mistake is to make all communication optional, meaning that both of you can opt out at any time. The trick is to not take these opt-outs personally when they happen.
It is difficult to be there for your partner when you aren’t physically there. But it is not impossible. Most satisfied relationships are those in which each partner successfully responds to the other’s emotional calls and needs. Emotional calls are the thousands of tiny attempts to connect with each other. Responding to each other’s emotional calls can seem tricky within a long distance relationship. You can’t physically show up for each other’s milestone days or reassure someone with a hug but that doesn’t make this crucial element of relationship success any less important. Couples in long distance relationships need to be more intentional about responding to each other’s attempt to connect and satisfying those emotional needs. By weaving your partner’s needs into your day, you’ll demonstrate that you’re there for them, no matter how far apart you might be.
Just because you're hundreds or thousands of miles apart doesn't mean you can't have a date night. It might seem awkward at first, to have a date via Skype or FaceTime, but you'll get used to it because you have to get used to it until you're together again. Go ahead and set up a date and time as you would in real life and do everything you would in real life. The long distance circumstances may be forcing you to do more things independently than you would probably like, hence it is very important to try and do things together and spend time together even if it’s over the screen. Little things like streaming the same show while talking on the phone, playing games online, listening to the same playlist, cooking together, or even eating at the same chain restaurant on the same night, all of these can help you and your partner feel more interdependent and, ultimately, more connected.
Doubts, insecurities, and jealousy can run high in long distance relationships simply because you’re spending so much time away from each other. Frequent verbal assurances with one another is crucial as they help to minimise negative feelings, reassure and clarify where you stand as a couple. If you’re feeling uncertain about where you stand, don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance for yourself. Even if you are far apart, you and your partner will continue to grow and change as life moves forward. That is both normal and a good thing even if it forces your relationship to change in the process. Long distance couples who have a secure attachment together are able to let each other grow and mature. They find ways to stay connected and push each other forward. In a secure attachment relationship, personal growth and change is healthy. It’s a product of security and safety in the relationship. One of the things you can do to promote a secure attachment is supporting your partner as they grow in their individual strengths and interests.
When we are far apart from each other we’re not able to see each other as we truly are. Sometimes, we start making all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are often either exaggerated or completely wrong. This can manifest itself in various ways within a long distance relationship. In some cases, jealousy and possessiveness can skyrocket because every casual social outing is now perceived as potentially threatening to a relationship. In other cases, paranoia and overthinking can trigger a potential end to the relationship as every small thing that goes wrong gets critically blown out of proportion. Be wary. When stuck in a long distance scenario, it’s important to maintain some scepticism of your own feelings. Remind yourself that you really don’t know what’s going on and the best thing you can do at any moment is to simply talk to your partner about what they’re feeling and what you’re feeling. All couples need to learn healthy ways to talk about and resolve conflicts. Bigger problems can arise if you ignore little struggles or are unwilling to address sensitive topics.
Being separated from the person you’re madly in love with can hardly seem like a positive thing. But where you can’t immediately change your circumstances, you can immediately change your attitude. Frustrating as it might seem to be separated, try to think of a few ways your long distance relationship is actually beneficial. Do you have more time for hobbies or working out or spending time with friends and family? Make a list of the positive aspects of long distance and focus on these during the harder days when the distance is really getting to you. There’s no doubt you’ll have days when your long distance relationship seems especially difficult. You might even be tempted to do something impulsive like quit your job, buy a plane ticket and bust through immigration despite travel restrictions just so you can be together with the person you love. While that might sound romantic, remember there’s a reason you’re apart from your partner right now. That reason may hinge on a professional, lockdown, or pandemic that needs to play out properly until the timing is right for you both to be together geographically. Don’t let months or years of progress go to waste out of impatience to finally be together. Your relationship will be stronger in the long run if you finish what you’ve started and finish it well.
If there's no light at the end of the tunnel or promise that things won't always be this way, making a long distance relationship work will be a near-impossible situation. Both partners need to know that evolution is definitely in the future. The minute you stop having some milestone to look forward to, the harder it will be to maintain the same enthusiasm for, and optimism in, each other. One thing that is true about all relationships is that if they’re not growing, then they’re dying. And growth is even more crucial in a long distance relationship. There must be some goal that you’re reaching for together. There has to be a converging trajectory on the horizon. Otherwise, you will inevitably drift apart. Without a goal, one or both partners could lose faith in the relationship’s future. The longer you are apart, the more these uncertainties can grow into legitimate existential crises. If you’re in a relationship with the person you want to spend your life with, at some point you’ll need to craft a plan to join your worlds together. Not only must there be some shared vision of a possible future for you together, but you both must also feel as though you’re working toward that vision. Having this hope of being together long term can help you ride out the toughest days of being apart from one another. That little bit of hope can go a long way toward making the one you love seem not quite so far away. So, can long distance relationship really work? Yes it can. But it requires effort and commitment from both parties just like any other relationship but perhaps double the work.
