The Cycle of Codependency
Whenever we are in a romantic relationship, we find ourselves clinging and becoming so attached to our partners. They are the first thing we think about in the morning, the last thing on our minds before bed, and well the only thought throughout the entire day for some of us. It’s like life wouldn’t be complete without them, we get the notion that we cannot live without them and all that fuss, the list goes on. We become so attached that sometimes we are blinded to what’s happening. Okay, not all relationships are doomed or have any forms of hidden stigma or issues but mind you, some do. And more often than not, we do not realise it. Take for instance, do you ever find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner’s happiness but not getting much in return? Do you ever feel that the relationship is one-sided? Do you ever feel like you often keep quiet to avoid arguments and are always taking in all the nonsense just so the relationship doesn’t fall apart and break? Do you ever feel trapped? Do you feel like you are always giving in and pleasing your partner just so you feel somewhat ‘loved’ or validated?
If the answer is yes, then you are in a codependent relationship and codependent relationships are not exactly healthy. The first step in getting things back on track is to understand the meaning of a codependent relationship. Experts say it's a pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity. Codependency is a learned behavior. We watch the actions of our parents when we are children. If our mother or father had a problem with boundaries, was always the martyr, could never say ‘no’ to people, and had unhealthy ways to communicate, we most likely learned these behaviours and brought them into our intimate relationships. Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents are also at risk for being codependent. They often find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable, yet they stay in the hopes that they can change the person. No matter what happens, they won’t stop hoping that one day things will be good. It’s like they hope and strive to fix their partner even though they know that it is impossible if the partner is unwilling to change. This subconscious hope is that the other person will see all the love they give and be inspired to change. They believe that if they just hang in there and give the love, understanding, and support, they will finally get the love that they desired. This thinking is very destructive and especially when they do not have healthy boundaries that protect them from physical or emotional harm and signal to their partner that their abusive behaviour is not acceptable. What makes it worse is when they do not realise what is going on and continue to live in a loveless partnership because they have never learned what a good partnership looks like. Codependent people do not believe that they are worthy of love, so they settle for less. Often, they find themselves taking mental, emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse from their partner. People who are codependent often look for things outside of themselves to feel better.
A person with codependent tendencies may find themselves in an intimate relationship with a person who has addiction issues that cause them to be emotionally unavailable. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. Anyone can become codependent, especially people who have parents who emotionally abused or neglected them in their teens are more likely to enter into codependent relationships. The term ‘codependency’ is often used casually to describe relationships where a person is needy, or dependent upon, another person. Codependent relationships are far more extreme than being clingy. A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person, or the enabler. In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. Codependency may also arise when someone is in a relationship with a person who has an addiction such as abuse of substances, or an addiction to gambling or shopping. The person with codependency may take on a “caretaker” role for their partner. The biggest giveaway is making extreme sacrifices to satisfy the partner's needs. The codependent’s self-esteem and self-worth will come only from sacrificing themselves for their partner, who is only too glad to receive their sacrifices. Think of codependency as support that is overly extreme that it becomes unhealthy.
It isn’t something that is so obvious that we can pin point right away, afterall we are so inlove with each other! Because it is so vague, many of us find ourselves repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns over and over again despite our best intentions. Enmeshment happens when clear boundaries are not clearly defined. Generally, in a codependent relationship, one partner tends to fill the caregiver role and the other complacent at receiving the attention. When such actions becomes the go-to response, the dynamic may become potentially enabling to the recipient.
The traditional definition of codependency has focused on control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent, or engaging in undesirable behaviours, such as narcissism. Some questions you can ask yourself: does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs? is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy? do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law? do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you? do you feel trapped in your relationship? are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person? do you recognise unhealthy behaviours or red flags in your partner but stay with them in spite of them? are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
Often, people who are in codependent relationship find themselves with no satisfaction or happiness outside of doing things for the other person and feel constant anxiety about the relationship. They would do anything to please and satisfy the enabler no matter what the expense is to themselves. A codependent person also usually stays in the relationship even if they are aware that their partners are doing hurtful things. They perpetually use all their time and energy to give their partner everything that is asked for. They also tend to show signs of ignorance towards their own morals or conscience and refrain from expressing any personal needs or desires.
As mentioned, codependency can easily stem from childhood. At birth, we are intrinsically vulnerable and utterly dependent on our caregivers for food, safety, and regulation. A child’s attachment and bonding to one or more caregivers is critical for physical and emotional survival. This fundamental attachment makes the child reliant on the needs and vulnerabilities of the caregiver. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent or caregiver could result in the child absorbing the role of the caregiver, thus putting the needs of the parent first. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. As a result, emotions are repressed and own needs are disregarded in order to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent. When the "parentified" child becomes an adult, they repeat the same dynamic in their adult relationships. A person in a codependent relationship will find it difficult to leave the relationship as their own identity is centered upon sacrificing themselves for the other person. After a while, if the cycle continues, resentment builds when their own needs and wants are not being recognised. A common behavioural tendency is to overreact or lash out when the partner disappoints. Lacking an internal control means searching for external sources of validation and control.
Having said all that, there is hope. Being in a codependent relationship doesn’t mean all is doomed. As they said, if there’s a will, there’s a way. As codependency is a learned behaviour, it means it can be unlearned. If you are in a codependent relationship, you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, you need to heal yourself first and foremost. If you are a codependent, there are ways to detach. Treatment for codependency often involves exploration of early childhood issues and their connection to current dysfunctional behaviour patterns. Getting in touch with deep-rooted feelings of hurt, loss, and anger will allow you to reconstruct appropriate relationship dynamics. Taking small steps towards some separation in the relationship such as finding a hobby or activity can also help, just something outside of the relationship. It is also important for the enabler to try and not allow the codependent partner to make extreme sacrifices. Individual or group therapy is very helpful for people who are in codependent relationships. Until we can detangle these emotions for ourselves, it will be difficult to grow out of a codependent cycle. Some other ways to heal the relationship from codependency could start by being honest with yourself and your partner. Doing things that we do not want to do not only wastes our time and energy, but it also brings on resentments. Saying things that we do not mean only hurts us, because then we are living a lie. Be honest in your communication and in expressing your needs and desires. And as we all know, negative thinking is not healthy, so stop it. Stop yourself when you begin thinking negatively. Be positive and have higher expectations. Often, codependency feeds off a false sense of control. We may think we know what the other person wants and that it’s up to us to help them get it. You need to resist the urge to fix, control, or save. It takes a lot of work for a codependent person not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship. Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is the first step. Try not to take things personally.
There is also nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It is healthy to have friendships outside of your partnership. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are. And as mentioned, therapy and counselling can be one of the most effective ways as a counsellor serves as an unbiased third party. They can point out codependent tendencies and actions between the two of you that you may not be aware of. Feedback can provide a starting point and direction. Change cannot happen if we do not change. It is also very important that you establish boundaries. Those who struggle with codependency often have trouble with boundaries. We do not know where our needs begin or where the other’s end. We often thrive off guilt and feel bad when we do not put the other first. You’ll know you’re on track when you start nurturing your own wants and desires and develop a connection to your inner world, seeing yourself as self-reliant, smart, and capable. You tend to respond rather than react to your partner and to others. When you've recovered from codependency, you no longer feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy, painful relationship. You know that you are not responsible for anyone's happiness except for your own, and you can feel comfortable with the decision to walk away. Breaking up isn't necessarily the best or only solution. To repair a codependent relationship, it's important to set boundaries and find happiness as an individual, so set relationship goals to enjoy a healthy balanced two-sided relationship. Be reminded that self-care isn’t selfish. As you’re working to break the cycle of codependency, it may seem like you are being encouraged to behave in way that is selfish and unfair to your partner. But in a healthy relationship, both people have fully formed identities outside of their time together. They each bring unique attributes to the table thus creating a partnership that allows both of them to grow and thrive. Remember, it isn’t your job to fix them or be responsible for their happiness.
