Dating An Overthinker

Relationships are hard. Everyone wants a relationship and yet doesn’t want it at the same time. Because relationships are hard and require a lot of work from both parties. We meet someone and know instantly that we are attracted to them. We feel our heart pound, butterflies in our stomachs and an intense desire to make something happen. And boom, something happened and we are in a relationship. In the beginning, everything seemed relatively easy, things unfolded pretty well, there weren’t any fights or disagreements, and no one freaked out while trying to decide which movie to watch or which restaurant to order from. But as life has a tendency to do so, sooner or later stuff is going to get real. We are going to hit some road bumps and this relationship is going to start to feel difficult to maintain.

Relationships are undeniably tough, and for most of us they present the most hard-earned lessons in life. But why are relationships so hard to deal with? And why are we always struggling to live harmoniously with our significant others? Why are relationships so hard and even impossible for many of us to keep and maintain? Relationships require work and effort from both parties. It requires communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, compromise, respect, and the list goes on. But yet, having said all that, relationship is hardest for someone who overthinks. An overthinker has the hardest time in a relationship. If you are in a relationship with someone who overthinks, it is crucial to understand them and try, as hard as it can be, to be on the same page as them at the same time.

Overthinking things can lead to problems in a relationship. For example, an overthinker might read too much into a phone call or text message. Sometimes overthinkers put so much heart and soul into their relationships that it causes them to worry about the future. They can also end up assuming negative consequences and jumping into false conclusions which can obviously lead to arguments with their partners. Obsessing over little things and situations can impact the moods and dent the overthinker’s self-esteem. 

Relationships have their ups and downs. And while it’s true that every relationship goes through its fair share of challenges, relationships that involve people who overthink are significantly more difficult to handle. The problem is you have to deal with problems that don’t even exist. They exist in the mind of the overthinker. Not surprisingly, overthinking has brought many promising relationships to a stop. People who overthink often have anxiety and they can’t help it. Adding anxiety into the picture and someone who overthinks and it's almost unbearable sometimes. Can you imagine your partner’s frustration of being misunderstood almost every time because you overthink things? Doubts and confusion, problems created that aren’t actually problems. Frustrating, stressful, yes.

Being in a relationship with an overthinker requires you to be able to read them carefully. Overthinkers often pay really close attention to everything you say. They pay attention to every look, every eye roll, and every gesture. They pick up on little things that might not mean anything. But they analyse it and think too much about it thus creating problems in their mind. They analyse every word and every text message. Even a lack of a response you might not think needs an answer will throw someone with anxiety off. It’ll lead to them thinking they have done something wrong. Overthinkers need to constantly be reassured. With overthinkers, don’t focus too much on the truth of what happened. Even if the thing they are losing their mind over is completely unfounded, focus instead on reassuring them that everything is fine and that you still care about them. This actually calms them down, and it works better than ignoring them or getting upset. It may sound silly but people with anxiety appreciate that. The good thing is that this is not something you will always need to do. As they grow to trust you, the things that made them extremely anxious in the past will not be an issue. The anxiety is more like a phase in their trust journey, you just have to be patient until it is gone. The more confident they are in you, the sooner the anxiety will fade.

Relationships are hard for overthinkers because they are indecisive even about little things. They think too much into everything and become unsure of themselves. If you are dating an overthinker, you need to be the one who is always sure because they will never be. It is also important to understand that it isn’t their fault as it is just how they have been programmed. Everyone with anxiety has their little ticks, things that they might not even notice that they do. For instance, constantly looking at their phone because they are waiting for an answer, responding with a one-word reply, and driving too quickly for fear of being late. Learn them, learn every curve and flaw and learn to love them and love the things about themselves that they struggle to.

An overthinker’s mind will often wander and make every assumption possible. Having a clear and transparent communication with them is important. Addressing an issue and finding a solution, not letting them think about it and dwell and spend time upset is crucial. Understanding that any fight you might have is going to hurt them more and they will beat themselves up more than you ever can with silent treatment or hoping they learn. This is because people with anxiety are harder on themselves than anyone and they will internalise everything and take it personally. They care about saying and doing everything right and making someone happy and that’s what it comes down to. If you can understand the root of fears and worrying is caring maybe it will help you to understand. Communication with them is essential. 

An overthinker will not be able to go to bed peacefully. They will stay up replaying and replaying the entire conversation or scenario, analyse every single word and wonder on the what-ifs. Their calm and peace, even happiness will not be achieved until you assure and ‘fix’ the problem in their mind. They go to bed sick to the gut and remain that way until you address the issue. It’s knowing how to talk them down when they worry. Some situations are easily fixed and yet some are not. There are going to be moments where you as the partner are just going to have to ride this rollercoaster of emotions, watch them fall apart and breakdown until it is out of their system. Sometimes just being there is enough for the overthinker so they know they are not alone. 

There is a need to understand that people with anxiety did not ask for it. There are ways to stop overthinking but it is important to note that they cannot help it. And people with anxiety never fully like or accept this part of themselves. How can you accept something about yourself that only seems to cause problems? Even then, we can try putting an end to the analysing and nit-picking because it’s time to banish the control freak in all of us and make a conscious effort to go with the flow. So how exactly do you stop overthinking your love life? If you are an overthinker, it is crucial to start by stopping the habit and urge of looking for hidden meanings in everything. For instance, sometimes “K” really just means “K.” Searching through every response looking for what it really means could be the root of your problem. If you try to find significance behind everything your partner says, odds are you’ll crawl into a mental black hole filled with dark thoughts that probably aren’t even true. If insecurities are causing you to overthink your relationship, talk it out. There’s nothing wrong with bringing your concerns to your partner and laying them all on the table in an open discussion. You’ll probably come out of the conversation breathing a huge sigh of relief. Overthinkers often think and feel that they are the problem or the source of someone else’s unhappiness. Truth is, it is not always about you. The age old saying “the world doesn’t revolve around you” stands true. It can be easy to fall into the belief that your partner’s mood, attitude or responses are a direct reflection of something you did, but a lot of the time that isn’t the case. Frustrations, anxiety and annoyances can cause people to lash out in other ways, depending on how your partner handles his or her emotions, the root of what they say and how they act may be something entirely different. To help stop overthinking, finding a distraction is also important. For most of us having these irrational thoughts is most apparent in the beginning of a potential relationship. Finding a distraction can help ease your mind, try a new workout class or schedule a weekly dinner with friends.

Often, overthinking everything about the relationship and your partner is a sign you don’t know what you really want and aren’t getting what you need. Once you have clarity around what it is that you need, then you can pinpoint if something is missing in your relationship. With the specific knowledge of what is missing, you can talk with your partner so that they also have clarity around what it is that you need. You could be overthinking the relationship when you should be worrying about how you feel about the relationship or your partner. Ask yourself how you feel about yourself within the context of the relationship. This can provide a better gauge of where you are than attempting to analyse everything you’ve said, done and experienced as a couple. In other words, stop focusing on what’s wrong and instead redirect your mind to what you want. This way, you are focusing on the solution and the ideal outcome and how you can achieve it as opposed to the problem. If your mind starts drifting toward what’s worrying you about the relationship, turn the wheel and think about your friends or your dog, text your best friend, anything, just stop yourself from thinking about the relationship. Train your mind to be positive. Don’t go thinking about the future or the past. If it’s meant to be with your partner, it will be. Stay present with them and be aware of how they make you feel. We do this a lot, we tend to run to our friends when shit happens in our relationship. While it’s nice to have friends who are on your side, it’s not helpful when all they’re doing is fuelling the fire. Pity-partying isn’t helpful and in fact can be hurtful. Your friends might have the best intentions, but they might not know how to help you. They likely won’t bring up your faults and ways that you may be aggravating the problem because they don’t want to hurt your feelings or maybe because they are so narrowly focused that they can’t see the bigger reality of the situation. So try and control that mouth from blurting everything out when you hit a small bump in the relationship. If all else fail, sometimes, getting professional advice and having someone to talk to without judgment can be the best solution to overthinking a relationship. Most likely, a therapist will diffuse the situation and make you realise you are just overthinking. Otherwise, get out and go get some fresh air, with or without your significant other. Your mind will clear, and you’ll be able to focus on living in the moment. If you travel without your partner, you will miss them and think of the good times and not overthink. Ultimately, you can’t have love unless you’re willing to be captivated in mind, body and spirit, so, take our advice and stop letting your brain prevent your heart from finding love.

As much as they can try to help themselves by doing the above, your role as the partner doesn’t just stop either. So, if you are in a relationship with an overthinker, you are going to have to buck up and make it your job to love them for who they are, understand them and love them even in those moments they do not love themselves. It is going to be your job to be sure when they are doubting everything and to hold them when their world is falling apart in their mind. You are going to have to deal with all the over explaining, the double texts, the calls, the apologies and the questions, even the breakdowns but trust us, it is all worth it because in return for all that, under every bit of anxiety is a heart that cares so much. They will accept every part of you. Love you unconditionally and always be honest and an open book with you. They are never going to stop showing you that they care and appreciate you because someone who overthinks is also someone who overloves.